Why it's important to explain death and dying to our children.

It's a fact that about half our children receive no explanation of death. Wishing to protect children, parents avoid the subject, sweeping the issue under the rug and shrouding it in mystery. The result is that death becomes more frightening to the child--and the fears children develop can haunt them on into adulthood.

There's a good description of what happens to children if we don't deal directly with death found in Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross's excellent book on grief, titled appropriately On Grief and Grieving. Dr. Ross describes the events as follows"

"Franklin, a fifty-six-year-old electrician recalled his own childhood experience.

'They told me my grandmother had 'gone to sleep,' he said, "but no one would tell me when she was going to wake up. They left me in the car at her funeral and even though I was only five, I remember every detail perfectly.

"It's better for you," they told me. "You'll understand later."

'All I understood was that death was a horrible thing and I never got to say goodbye to my grandmother. How do they expect me to learn that death is a normal part of life if they keep hiding it from me? I don't blame them. They did what they thought was right. But maybe if they hadn't treated death like such a horrible thing I wouldn't be so terrified of it today. I can't even go to the cemetery to visit my mother's grave. And anything to do with death or dying or being dead scares the hell out of me. I want my children to have a better understanding."

Like Franklin, about half our children receive no explanation of death. They are never taught that we are mortal and that passing is a natural conclusion to life. Yet with or without parental involvement, every child is going to learn about dying sometime between the ages of 4 and 9. Children that do not receive a parental explanation learn about it from friends, or when a pet or family member dies, or from television. The latter particularly distorts its meaning, either by hyping a child's fears or by treating death brutally--heavy handedly.

TV portrays aging as something to be afraid of, rarely as a natural life passage. As we mature, our youth oriented culture encourages us to take cosmetic precautions to hide our aging. Bottom line: we keep being driven further and further from the comfort we could find but instead we grow ever more fearful.

So what should a parent do? What's the better alternative?

We prepare children for every other life passage: for graduation, for school, for a profession, for marriage, for child birth and we even talk to them about retirement. Why not talk to them about dying?

We suggest that when you have the first of several discussions with your child--that you explain that aging and death are natural phenomena and that a timely death need should not be seen as traumatic. Children need to know that their relatives will pass, their parents too, and that--hopefully many years down the road as an elderly adult--he or she will also pass. Let the child know that this is the natural way of life and that it is OK. Your religious beliefs will guide you about talking about an afterlife-or not-with your child.

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Keep your explanation balanced when you speak of aging. Let the child know that old age has its virtues . People tend to become more comfortable with who they are as they get older. In many cases old age comes wisdom. So while youth is known for its wonderful energy, adventurous spirit and great curiosity, old age brings a calmer, seasoned perspective to life.

Your discussions about dying will change as the child matures. As the parent you will know how deeply you can go into the subject and still keep your explanation age-appropriate.

As the child grows and he or she begins to encounter family deaths, they will be better prepared because of your talks. I believe our culture is just starting to look at death differently. The growing trend to make funerals a celebration of someone's life--to show pictures and videos and tell humorous anecdotes-- is a healthy trend.

Above all be honest with your child. Continue to offer age-appropriate explanations of human mortality as the child grows into a young adult. Teach that being mortal has its benefits--that our limited time alive makes the time we have more precious. It causes us to set priorities. Tell young adults that a healthy acceptance of aging makes people less fearful. Being less fearful allows us to be more introspective in an age when we badly need to look within ourselves. Even the sad death of others can help us learn more about ourselves. The tragic events of September 11 showed all of us death's uncanny power to bring people closer to our core. It drives the living--the survivors--from superficial things freeing us to think harder about what really matters--about those we love--about who we are at our deepest level.

Have a balanced, honest conversation will your child and he or she will be much less fearful throughout life. He will approach his time on this earth with a more relaxed understanding of the naturalness of man's coming and passing--of the reality that for all things, "there is a season". That that's the way it is and it's OK.