Writing on the Subject of:

When asked if Kubler-Ross fears death, she said:

Death never frightened me. It is as much a part of living as anything else. I have faced it so many times it is no longer an enemy

On what we learn by staying conscious of our mortality:

We run after values that, at death, become zero. At the end of your life, nobody asks you how many degrees you have, or how many mansions you built, or how many Rolls Royces you could afford. That’s what dying patients teach you.

On the importance of mortal time limits:

It's only when we truly know and understand that we have a limited time on earth -- and that we have no way of knowing when our time is up, we will then begin to live each day to the fullest, as if it was the only one we had

On denial as a means of metering pain (Grief and Grieving):

This first stage of grieving helps us or survive the loss. In this stage,the world becomes meaningless and overwhelming. Life makes no sense. We are in a state of shock and denial. We go numb. We wonder how we can go on, if we can go on, why we should go on. We try to find a way to simply get through each day. Denial and his two help us to cope and make survival possible. Denial helps us to pace our feelings of grief. there is a grace in denial. It is nature's way of letting in only as much as we can handle.

On loss and how we value those we love(Grief and Grieving):

The illusion of infinite time clouds our understanding of the preciousness of one another. That value grows in death as we realize all that was lost.

On denial as a means of metering pain (Grief and Grieving):

This first stage of grieving [denial] helps us or survive the loss. In this stage,the world becomes meaningless and overwhelming. Life makes no sense. We are in a state of shock and denial. We go numb. We wonder how we can go on, if we can go on, why we should go on. We try to find a way to simply get through each day. Denial and his two help us to cope and make survival possible. Denial helps us to pace our feelings of grief. there is a grace in denial. It is nature's way of letting in only as much as we can handle.

On teaching children about mortality- (Grief and Grieving):

...as children grow, we need to update their views on life and death. If we don't, we perpetuate the beliefs and assumptions that nothing ever goes wrong. If that is the belief a child takes with her into adulthood, she will have little sense of reality and a hard time coping with life. Much like polishing or rock in a tumbler, it is the tumbling of life that makes the diamond.

On God and our attitudes about dying. (Grief and Grieving):

In our modern-day culture we have come to believe that an all-loving, all-caring God will offer us a world in which death is optional. When we are not in grief, we can see that this is not true, but when life is at its toughest, it's easy to believe that God callously uses death as a punishment. The reality is that God gives us a life cycle that includes death we live in a world of duality. God created date with the night, light with shadow, and life with death.

On using control to avoid feels of grief:

Control covers painful feelings such as sadness, hurt, and anger. Many of us would prefer to fight it out rather than feel grief, loss, and seemingly inconsolable pain.

But control feels empty and harsh as it covers up the more vulnerable sensations underneath. Control gives the illusion of safety and helps us think we are holding everything together, but an illusion is all it is.

On working through grief to get past the pain.

Be aware that when grief for kids and all of its power, we instinctually try to resist the sense of overwhelm. but resistance obtained only serves to amplify it a try syncing into it and feel it become more spacious allow it to watch over you and feel the strength return to your body and your mind. When you surrender to grief, you will discover that you are so much stronger than you ever imagined. Peace lies at the center of the pain and although it will hurt, you will move through it a lot faster than if you distracted yourself with external outings.

On death as a techer:

Death and give focus to what money can and cannot buy. It can teach us what being rich is all about. We learn that no amount of money can ever replace the loss of someone we love.

On helping children deal with grief:

Children do not have the resources or experience to integrate laws into their world. In their minds they often fill in gaps with thoughts like, "It must somehow be my fault." unfortunately the person who should be shepherding them through their grief is the surviving parent, who is often too lost in his or her own grief.

On the age when children grief:

Children are old enough to grieve if they are old enough to love; they are the "forgotten grievers."

Children simply need to be told ahead of time that they will feel mixed emotions. We say it is jointly the responsibility of the parents, the schools, and the religious communities to tease him about life. But everyone always assumes someone else will deal with a child's grief. In reality it's everyone's responsibility to talk about grief with kids. They know that adults are dealing with major feelings and so the adults must model grief for the children who take emotional cues from them.

On what happens if we do not help our children understand death:

Franklin, a 56-year-old electrician, recalled his own childhood experience. They told me my grandmother had start quote gone to sleep," he says, but no one would tell me when she was going to wake up. And they left me in the car at her funeral, and even though I was only five, I remember every detail perfectly. "It's better for you," and they told me, "you'll understand later."

All I understood was that death was a horrible thing and I never got to say goodbye to my grandmother. How did they expect me to learn that death was a normal part of life if they kept hiding it from me? I don't blame them. They did what they thought was right. But maybe if they hadn't treated death like such a horrible thing. I wouldn't be so terrified of it today. I can't even go to the cemetery to visit my mother's grave. And anything to do with death or dying or being dead scares the hell out of me. I want my children to have a better understanding. When I go, I know my kids will feel sad, but I don't want them to feel unsettled an on able to feel their pain.

On how our experience of death has changed in a century:

Things were different, a century ago. In death we gathered.We rang the town bell. A cooling board was put out for the body. Wood was collected for the casket. Fabric was sown to address the body. The loved one's body was put in the parlor. Everyone from the town gathered and paid their respects.

Everyone knew everyone else. Every visitor came with a story about our loved one.

We live in a new death-denying, grief-dismissing world now.in America, we don't die well and we don't agree well anymore. Now, all too often, we die among strangers. Only a few visitors at a time are allowed in the hospital room. Children under 14 are usually not allowed in hospitals.

If we mentioned our feelings of anticipatory grief to the doctor, he has appealed for us.

.

On our need to grieve:

In grief, and just like in death, there is a transformation for the living. If you do not take the time to grieve, you cannot find a future in which lost is remembered and honored without pain.

On teaching children to grieve:

In today's culture, there are so few models of grief. It is invisible to the untrained eye. we don't teach our children how to cope with loss. People don't say to their children, "this is how you heal after a loved one dies, and this is how we mourn."

On our models for grief:

Not knowing how to handle the pain of grief, we avoid it, not realizing it is the pain of the loss we are trying to avoid a pain that will strike, no matter how much we try to avoid it. Yet by avoiding grief, we turn our backs to the help of the grief offers, and thus prolonging the pain.